ASSORTED DECLARATIONS BY STAFF WRITER TOM GRAHAM
I really loved the ’80s. I didn’t have to worry about aches and pains or exploding tendons. I didn’t have to pay a mortgage or utilities. I wasn’t largely concerned about the price of oil or health care benefits. Come to think of it, I didn’t have a care and spent a good amount of the days covered in dirt or tree sap. I was in my own little world, preoccupied with cartoons (see page 26) and some of the dumbest toys and action figures ever to grace the shelves of Toys ‘R Us, Children’s Palace, Service Merchandise, (the) Sugarman’s and The Globe Store.
Join me as I look back at some fantastic toys I’ll never truly appreciate again.
Everything He-Man
I would continuously beat on Battle Armor He-Man and Battle Armor Skeletor just to watch the damage rack up. The two most powerful men in the universe were equipped with three “damage indicators” on their chests: one undamaged, one slash, and two slashes. Too bad that the chest plate would spin like a slot machine after only a single hit. I also owned Snout Spout, a figure that squirted water out of his nose-trunk by pressing a button on the backpack and Orko, the most annoying character in the Masters of the Universe collection.
Micro Machines
Speed talker Josh Moschitta, Jr. starred in more than 100 commercials for the itty bitty racecar sets and I remember every single word he said. Too bad the toys stopped being any fun once your hands were large enough to fit into a medium sized mitten.
Laser Tag
Seriously. Tag with lasers? Who the hell wouldn’t want to play TAG with LASERS? On a sad note, if your friends were grounded for lighting their sister’s My Little Pony on fire with a Bic lighter, you could only shoot yourself with the laser gun in the mirror for about an hour before you ran out of scenarios or hard angles in the room.
Transformers
The original Megatron toy was a seriously realistic looking handgun and Optimus Prime had some serious weight for a toy. Soon after the original toy launch, the Dinobots came into the picture (robots that turn into dinosaurs still sound pretty damn amazing to me). Plus, as the toys became increasingly difficult to transform over the years, you could tell who your dumber friends were by their toys with broken heads and arms.
Sectaurs: Warriors of Symbion
Originally released by Coleco in 1985, these toys were the perfect mix of action figure, insects and puppetry. Some aspects of the toys relied on battery power, but the most important features were controlled by placing your hand inside the bug and letting you imagination run amuck.
Rambo
I never had a Glo Worm or Castle Grayskull. Teddy Ruxpin was too expensive and, come to think of it, I don’t think my parents were ever keen on letting a robotic bear read me bedtime stories. I did have a Rambo action figure equipped with a string activated rocket launcher and visible P.O.W. camp scars. And we were both too busy navigating the jungle to care about what The New Kids on the Block were crooning about.
Here’s what’s in my headphones this week: Tears For Fears Songs from the Big Chair (Mercury) 1985
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