Assorted Declarations from Editor Tom Graham
Halloween Beards are a Bust
Beards are not the best during Halloween.
There are so many costumes that simply can not be executed due to the fact that I have a ginger man mane planted on my face. Aside from the Bearded Lady, a God-fearing, homophobic character from Duck Dynasty and an assortment of wispy wizards, this beard has held up the stop sign on plenty of great costume ideas.
And I simply cannot bring myself to go as Walker, Texas Ranger every year.
If I shaved tomorrow morning and it was time to dress up for the Halloween season, here is what you would see me parading around town as. But I’m not shaving, so don’t worry.
I’d throw on the old throwback jersey and carry my gambling book whilst placing bets all over town.
The Apparently Kid
Remember when being a slightly pudgy, little awkward and a totally straight-shooting ginger kid was completely adorable? No. I don’t either. It never was. Until The Apparently kid took that microphone out of Sofia Ojeda’s grasp and became a national sensation. I’d find myself a WNEP microphone cover, talk incessantly about my grandfather and my adoration of dinosaurs and win every best costume prize in the 570. Bonus: One of my friends could dress up like Ellen Degeneres and interview me at each party.
Pee Wee Herman
Pee Wee with a beard? It doesn’t work unless you’re James Brolin, (pictured above). And even that was a pretty lame beard.
Super Mario Brothers
I’m not about to go shaving a mustache for one night of living out my Nintendo dreams. Come to think of it, real mustache costumes are much easier to think of: Ron Burgundy, Magnum P.I., John Waters, Albert Einstein, Hulk Hogan, Borat, etc.
Sugar Skull or Zombie
It looks amazing when people sport the Day of the Dead sugar skull look on Halloween, but beards never seem to fit the look. Let’s say a bearded zombie comes crawling your way. Normally, your first reaction is to run away or scream, not say “Hey! Look! That zombie has a beard! Never saw that before! (Snaps selfie with bearded zombie in the background). Sweet!”
Here’s what’s in my headphones this week: The Allman Brothers Band Wipe the Windows, Check the Oil, Dollar Gas (Capricorn) 1976